Mental health check-in

jbj said:
Hope you're feeling better Peen.

2nd week of the school holidays and we're away for the week . Cool place we came to in October - it's basically 3 shipping containers knocked together to make a little flat. Hot tub out the back. beautiful views, quiet site etc... Took Lola a lovely walk in the forrest yesterday so planning more of the same between now and Sunday. Unfortunately it's pissing down today so a lazy day reading and watching game shows.

Got lots done in the garden last week and painted the garage door which was badly needing it too so even though this is a chilled week, I feel like I've been productive. Took me almost 2 months last year to get the garden looking OK-ish given the state it was in when we bought the house so I'm happy where we're at.
Click to expand...
Yeah, hope you are feeling better. I get that fight.
 
Brian Krashpad said:
Mojo sent. I hope your biopsy has better results than my non-transperineal one did.

I haven't checked in here in ages. I guess the above is the universe telling me to do so.

Anyway, I had a biopsy and had cancer (again-- last time was like a dozen years ago). It had been monitored for a long time and despite meds the PSA kept creeping up.

So on February 27 I had it cut out. Robot-assisted surgery, so no giant scars. But lots of little ones. Seven hours on the table, one scar for each hour, by coincidence.

View attachment 106557

Physically, about as expected at this point.

Which isn't necessarily a good thing. The not dying of cancer bit is just swell. But highly negative side effects (which I'd just as soon not share) can last to a year or more before it's even known if they've resolved.

And then, they could be permanent. Which means more meds, treatments, surgery, etc., to treat the side effects.

I fucking hate that. Sick to motherfucking death hearing about potentially permanent damage being whitewashed as just a "new normal." It ain't fucking normal goddamn it. I know I should be happy I'm not dead. I'm mainly fucking angry. But throw in frustrated, depressed, and self-loathing for funsies. Going to physical/occupational therapy weekly because I have no fucking choice. On the psych side, to me it's a fucking nightmare. And then I see double amputees in the waiting room and hate myself for being a whiney bitch.

Thank god I have a great wife, and the distraction of a couple bands to play in, and am still working.

Because I'm not handling this all that fucking well, tbh.

Oh, and in other news, also still dealing with the after-effects of the radiation from the first cancer. What's probably a "cholesteatoma" in my left ear (the "bad" side of my head that got the most radiation), a rare non-cancerous tumor that effects hearing. May not have anything to do with the radiation, I don't think they understand the causes of them, generally. Sfaik only treatment is surgery. Teeth are falling apart from the radiation, my "oral medicinist" won't even let me get them cleaned for fear the person working on me could fuck shit up even more. I believe the applicable medical term is "benign neglect" (yeah, that's an actual thing). Although I do a whole routine every night (brushing, flossing, 2 different mouthwashes (one a prescription-only), more brushing, flouride "trays" worn thereafter).

View attachment 106559

Oh and apparently one rare condition (the ear thing) on the left side wasn't enough, the last oral/head CT ordered by the oral medicinist disclosed something on the right side, which they suspect is a rare condition called (I am not making this up) "silent sinus syndrome" where the orbit around your eye sort of disintegrates and your eye drops accordingly, with accompanying headaches and other fun shit. Sfaik, only treatment, more fucking surgery:

Silent Sinus Syndrome

But hey, I have a great t-shirt collection. So there's that.

View attachment 106560
Click to expand...
shit man, I am pissed off for you!! Mojo and love sent your way as well.
 
Also, that is my sweatshirt I ordered as a result of this stupid Idaho thing. At least folks are banding together here, such as at the AOC and Bernie thing held in Nampa, in the heart of a place where you would not expect that to occur. Great attendance! I didn't make it, but hope to join other events.

 
I thought about deleting this entry because I don't want to bring anyone down, but the writing is therapeutic. I'm usually the guy who makes people laugh, not the Debbie-downer.

I just passed 9 years since I was laid off and not working. This is my mental foundation, and a not very positive one at that. My cognitive abilities and short/long term memory are slowly dissolving. I watch it advancing with dread, knowing that I'll never be able to earn an income again. That increases the guilt. I'm managing to usually keep my psychological head above water, but I miss the mostly dry days of better mental health. Throw in the creep of fascism in the nation, and the toxic mix is difficult to navigate around at times. Exercise and bike riding have always been my great healing mechanism, and although I've lost 75% of my old endurance, I still get out for an hour ride about twice a week.

I know that if cancer rears its ugly head, I won't fight it unless it's early stage. I hate the mentally weakened state I find myself trapped in. I was so damned strong most of my adult life. I hardly recognize this weakness. Not to worry, as there's still a vein of strong stubbornness, deep down that doesn't allow me to fully give up. Hopefully, I will find a purpose in life beyond just managing and loving our rescue dogs and cats.
 
Tig said:
I thought about deleting this entry because I don't want to bring anyone down, but the writing is therapeutic. I'm usually the guy who makes people laugh, not the Debbie-downer.

I just passed 9 years since I was laid off and not working. This is my mental foundation, and a not very positive one at that. My cognitive abilities and short/long term memory are slowly dissolving. I watch it advancing with dread, knowing that I'll never be able to earn an income again. That increases the guilt. I'm managing to usually keep my psychological head above water, but I miss the mostly dry days of better mental health. Throw in the creep of fascism in the nation, and the toxic mix is difficult to navigate around at times. Exercise and bike riding have always been my great healing mechanism, and although I've lost 75% of my old endurance, I still get out for an hour ride about twice a week.

I know that if cancer rears its ugly head, I won't fight it unless it's early stage. I hate the mentally weakened state I find myself trapped in. I was so damned strong most of my adult life. I hardly recognize this weakness. Not to worry, as there's still a vein of strong stubbornness, deep down that doesn't allow me to fully give up. Hopefully, I will find a purpose in life beyond just managing and loving our rescue dogs and cats.
Click to expand...
Mojo, @Tig !
 
Tig said:
I thought about deleting this entry because I don't want to bring anyone down, but the writing is therapeutic. I'm usually the guy who makes people laugh, not the Debbie-downer.

I just passed 9 years since I was laid off and not working. This is my mental foundation, and a not very positive one at that. My cognitive abilities and short/long term memory are slowly dissolving. I watch it advancing with dread, knowing that I'll never be able to earn an income again. That increases the guilt. I'm managing to usually keep my psychological head above water, but I miss the mostly dry days of better mental health. Throw in the creep of fascism in the nation, and the toxic mix is difficult to navigate around at times. Exercise and bike riding have always been my great healing mechanism, and although I've lost 75% of my old endurance, I still get out for an hour ride about twice a week.

I know that if cancer rears its ugly head, I won't fight it unless it's early stage. I hate the mentally weakened state I find myself trapped in. I was so damned strong most of my adult life. I hardly recognize this weakness. Not to worry, as there's still a vein of strong stubbornness, deep down that doesn't allow me to fully give up. Hopefully, I will find a purpose in life beyond just managing and loving our rescue dogs and cats.
Click to expand...
Hey, have you considered at all getting an e-bike? Just for the assist, and to get you out more? I bet it would reap rewards in terms of mental health, and from what I can tell, trying them out, it is good for sustained moderate cardio too. And I can see it getting me back into longer rides and it sure gives the speed feeling back. And yeah, it is an expense, but if you were able to score a deal on Upway and make it work, it might be worth it. I got one for Mollie and I to share, so she can ride some double track mountain and low exposure single, seeing as she has never really ridden a bike besides around town/paved bike path stuff, and the Giant Trance E I found is very fun and immediately gave me a big dose of fun factor when I tried it. Just a thought that I hope is ok to share with love.
 
sunvalleylaw said:
Hey, have you considered at all getting an e-bike? Just for the assist, and to get you out more? I bet it would reap rewards in terms of mental health, and from what I can tell, trying them out, it is good for sustained moderate cardio too. And I can see it getting me back into longer rides and it sure gives the speed feeling back. And yeah, it is an expense, but if you were able to score a deal on Upway and make it work, it might be worth it. I got one for Mollie and I to share, so she can ride some double track mountain and low exposure single, seeing as she has never really ridden a bike besides around town/paved bike path stuff, and the Giant Trance E I found is very fun and immediately gave me a big dose of fun factor when I tried it. Just a thought that I hope is ok to share with love.
Click to expand...

You must have missed Tig's prior diatribes on e-bikes and stating he'd give up riding before ever throwing a leg over an e-bike saddle.


Anyway, Mojo to y'all. I'm just trying to keep on keeping on.

Edit: and as a reflection on my state of being, I tried to talk myself into "needing" a new guitar but failed miserably. I have the spare cash but I just can't rationalize the purchase to myself....so, I bought more pics and strings (really, I did).
 
Last edited:
Lerxst said:
You must have missed Tig's prior diatribes on e-bikes and stating he'd give up riding before ever throwing a leg over an e-bike saddle.


Anyway, Mojo to y'all. I'm just trying to keep on keeping on.

Edit: and as a reflection on my state of being, I tried to talk myself into "needing" a new guitar but failed miserably. I have the spare cash but I just can't rationalize the purchase to myself....so, I bought more pics and strings (really, I did).
Click to expand...
Oh, right. I forgot about that. Sorry, @Tig , you do you! But I was that way once too, and saw the benefit, as I watched my neighbor pararlympian Muffy Davis’s Dad continue to mountain bike around his Fisher Creek cabin into his 70’s despite an enlarged heart and other issues. He traded that one in for a three wheeler when his balance blew. And it brought a lot of joy into his life before he finally passed. That all changed my mind.
 
sunvalleylaw said:
Oh, right. I forgot about that. Sorry, @Tig , you do you! But I was that way once too, and saw the benefit, as I watched my neighbor pararlympian Muffy Davis’s Dad continue to mountain bike around his Fisher Creek cabin into his 70’s despite an enlarged heart and other issues. He traded that one in for a three wheeler when his balance blew. And it brought a lot of joy into his life before he finally passed. That all changed my mind.
Click to expand...
I'm not anti-Ebike, but anything that would be useful is way out of my price range. The ol' lack of income is probably my greatest challenge, regardless of what's going on.
 
Tig said:
I'm not anti-Ebike, but anything that would be useful is way out of my price range. The ol' lack of income is probably my greatest challenge, regardless of what's going on.
Click to expand...
I'm finally at an age and position where I can pretty much spend whatever I like, but ingrained habits won't let me enjoy that, and I'm still cheap as hell...
 
Today has been a slog. Tunnel vision, forgot my log in I use 12 times a day at one point etc...Pissed off some colleagues and I'm sure plenty has been said about me in the staff room which is their want.

Inspection starts on Monday so it's all hands on deck this week. Pulling LONG hours to get everything in order - got in at 7:30 this morning and left at 6 tonight. Tomorrow will probably be more of the same, Friday I'll hopefully get away sooner. Brain is absolutely frazzled but I'm trying to compartmentalise work and home (as I fire off e-mails at 10pm!) New patio furniture arrived today and I got almost round oiling the deck before realising I'm going to run out and need more. I'll finish it tomorrow. Really CBA but wanted to feel like I'd done something more than work eat, shower and sleep today, I do feel better for it. Patio furniture was Mrs JBJs pick, I didn't like it in the shop but it does look great, don't tell her :embarrassed:

Being aspirational (possibly delusional) getting to Friday afternoon is the goal and leaving the building with everything in place I'll be content, come Monday the wheels are in motion so what will happen will happen. I'd like to be sitting on my nice freshly oiled deck with some gin and Prosecco on Friday feeling ready for next week!
 
Today was not a slog and I got tonnes done. I'm sure more will land at my door tomorrow but I feel on top of things.

That being said, looking at what I'm going to be hands on involved with next week, I think was being delusional thinking I can just chill cine tomorrow evening :embarrassed:

Got a second coat of decking oil on and it's looking great. Patio furniture can go up tomorrow and the garden will be amazing to sit in.

Currently in a bubble bath with a glass of wine before bed, self care n that.
 
Decking is looking amazing, :embarrassed:

got a little bit of inspection homework to do over the weekend but apart from that I got everything on my list done before leaving today so I'm exactly where I want to be going into next week.

SWAT team HQ who are sent in before inspections to make sure everything is up to snuff were in today going over the data I've been working on since February. I wasn't in the meeting but apparently they're very very happy with it which is nice, I've burst myself pulling this stuff together.

This time next week I'll be down the coast watching one of my favourite bands outside (in the sun hopefully) off the back of a really positive exit briefing on Friday morning :idk;
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top